


Sign of the Times

by SeraphStarshine



Category: BBC Radio 1 RPF, One Direction (Band)
Genre: Fear of Abandonment, M/M, Reveal of feelings, Song Lyrics, also sort of follows what nick descibed during the day harry showed it to him, and he doesnt know if nick loves him, basically harry still loves nick, but I love this and it's fun pretending this is what really happened, it's a bit of a mess now, slight angst, this was supposed to be a short oneshot, very loosely based off of Sign of the Times
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-11
Updated: 2017-04-11
Packaged: 2018-10-17 14:55:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,866
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10596333
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SeraphStarshine/pseuds/SeraphStarshine
Summary: With his album release on the horizon and a world of uncertainties looming before him, Harry can't bear the thought of coming back to find that Nick is gone and that he's alone again.Loosely based off of the song Sign of the Times and the interview between Nick and Harry on The Breakfast Show (04/07/17) in which they discussed the day Harry showed him his single but this story is a work of fiction.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Honestly this was supposed to be a quick little project that would help me get out of my writing slump and I also needed a fanfic version of Harry playing Nick his song so somehow this happened and I am not sure how but I'm proud of it.
> 
> This is vaguely canon compliant but of course mostly fiction. In this, Nick and Harry dated from 2013-2016 then split up early that year to give you a bit of backstory since I'm not entirely certain if I made that clear in the fic or not.
> 
> This was only shoddily edited by myself so I apologize for the errors. I also had originally taken out a lot of the lyrics at first since I never intended it to be this long then I ended up having to put them back in. I think they are all in order but if anyone notices any mistakes please point them out.
> 
> Anyway I hope you enjoy xx
> 
> Find me on [tumblr](http://theyellowgrassgrows.tumblr.com/) as well if you'd like.

**_Just stop your crying_ **   
**_It's a sign of the times_ **

Harry feels a bit ridiculous as he readies himself to set off for Nick's place given how emotional he's getting before the day has even started yet, but it's not like he doesn't have a good reason for his current state.

Today is _important_ \- at least, Harry thinks it is, because he's letting Nick hear his single for the first time. Still, he hasn't been this nervous to see the other man since his initial return to London following their split, and the similarities to that moment are not welcome or appreciated since all they're serving to do is make Harry a human disaster.

This was supposed to happen ages ago actually, but Harry had lost his nerve at the last second when Nick had mentioned his mum would be there as well, and Harry hadn't been able to go through with it.

So he'd made an arse of himself and not showed at all, he couldn't even bring himself to text Nick since he knew he'd end up spilling his heart out through a message, and that's not how he wants this reveal to go, because that's what it is. It's more than just showing Nick his new song, so much more, and he doesn't want an audience when it happens - if it does.

Harry had heard Nick talking about it on the radio almost three days later, and that had been what had finally prompted Harry to get in contact with him again after his brief period of silence during which Nick hadn't reached out to him much either besides the few texts on Sunday asking where he was and if he was still coming or not.

Nick had brushed it off of course like it meant nothing, but Harry's not stupid, he knows Nick better than almost anyone, and he can tell he'd been hurt. Harry has done whatever he could to assure Nick that it wasn't a slight toward him at all, or Harry just being a prick, which had been difficult since he was too cowardly to admit to why he'd actually canceled on him, but it seemed to be successful for the most part.

Harry made sure to apologize to Eileen as well, but even now he still can't bring himself to explain why he hadn't shown. Nick appears to have moved past it at least, but Harry's certain that he hasn't forgotten it.

But instead of righting things and letting Nick hear the single at the next opportunity, he's been putting it off ever since, and it's gotten to the point where it's making him feel even more awful keeping the song from Nick then it will be to let him listen to it.

 _Still_ \- Harry's borderline terrified now that the moment has arrived, but he refuses to let himself back out of this again. It's getting close to the release date, which means Nick won't hear it until the rest of the world does if he waits much longer, and he doesn't want that either.

He would have shown it to Nick first if he could have, it was written for him after all, or maybe about him is a better way to describe it, and that's exactly why Harry is so afraid of what Nick's reaction will be.

**_Welcome to the final show_ **   
**_I hope you're wearing your best clothes_ **

Harry shouldn't be this petrified though, not anymore, but no matter how many times he tells himself that, it doesn't make his hands shake any less as he attempts to choose an outfit that looks good but doesn't seem to be trying too hard either.

He and Nick are together now actually - again, _sort of_. It still hasn't really been properly discussed, but Harry had kissed Nick after getting a bit pissed during one of the many nights he's been spending at Nick's place a few weeks ago.

Nick had kissed him back instantly as if he'd only been waiting for Harry to make the first move, and since then, they'd fallen back into their familiar routine as if they'd never split at all. He's so close with Nick anyway that dating him hardly changes anything, except for the added snogging and sex of course.

If it was anyone else he was doing this with, Harry would assume they were simply friends with benefits since there had been no official declarations, or even mentions of what they are, but he's _Nick_. They have a history together, and Harry is in love with him, has been for ages, so he can't label it as a casual arrangement, but he isn't sure what Nick classifies it as.

Harry's happy with it though - he _really_ is, because he loves Nick so much that it almost hurts at times, and he needs him in his life in any capacity that Nick will grant him, but what if they repeat the same pattern, what if they fall apart again?

Harry doesn't think he can handle that, not a second time, and that's why this song means so much to him, why it's probably his favorite from the album, because it's real, it's raw, it is the musical version of him picking himself back up when he began to recover from the devastation of losing Nick, and he both needs Nick to understand that but he's also terrified of what will happen once he does.

Because as well as he knows Nick, he isn't sure where they stand. He thinks Nick is still in love with him, but they haven't said that, or even defined if they're exclusive, although Harry has no intentions of seeing anyone else on the side. He wants everything Nick has to offer, he wants things to be like before only better, but maybe Nick doesn't.

Harry will never know if he doesn't ask though, and showing Nick his single is a part of that, which is why today means so much to him, and he can't fuck it up by devolving into a mess before he even makes it outside.

So after quite a few shaky inhalations and spending much too long in front of the mirror fiddling with his hair and removing nonexistent wrinkles from his clothes, Harry forces himself to grab his phone and the iPod which has the single on it, dragging his feet toward the car he has waiting that will drop him off at Nick's since he doesn't want to be spotted on the way.

**_You can't bribe the door on your way to the sky_ **   
**_You look pretty good down here_ **   
**_But you ain't really good_ **

Harry freezes when he reaches Nick's house, his entire body decides to shut down as he raises his fist to knock in some odd form of mutiny that Harry hadn't been expecting, and for one horrifying moment, Harry thinks he's about to start crying.

He's always managed to work himself into a bit of a state before showing Nick his new music in the past, god knows he had written loads of songs for Nick during his time with One Direction, but it's never felt quite like this.

Back then, he had a curtain to hide behind, because One Direction wasn't entirely his work, even if the lyrics were his, it was never orchestrated solely by him, but this is. He has no defenses here with which to deflect his feelings, he's about to expose himself to Nick one hundred percent, and as much as Harry wants to do this - _needs_ to, he honestly isn't sure if he's strong enough just yet, or maybe it's too soon.

Nick might panic, or react badly, although the odds of that are slim, but still - Harry isn't prepared to receive any more rejection from Nick. He's not entirely healed from the wounds Nick had imparted on him when he had ended their relationship more than a year ago, so he would rather not add to his internal injuries if at all possible.

But just when Harry's hysteria is reaching a peak, he hears Nick moving around inside the house, his voice only a low mummer through the wood that's separating them, but just the cadence of it is enough to calm Harry slightly, and he manages to rap his knuckles against the door briskly, which feels like he's accomplished something admirable instead of the simple task that it actually is.

Nick opens the door quickly - _thank god_ for that, as if he had been hovering nearby in anticipation of Harry's arrival, which he probably has to be fair. Harry had texted him almost an hour ago that he'd be over soon, and he never takes this long getting ready under normal circumstances.

Harry's knees actually wobble a bit when Nick beams down at him once he spots him, his eyes crinkling at the corners, giving him an endearing look that Harry's always adored having focused on him.

Harry knows he's being ridiculous, and that Nick smiling at him shouldn't leave him this dizzy and overwhelmed, but it's as if everything has been amplified for him since they've gotten back together, and Harry is more in love with Nick now than he was five minutes ago, which should be impossible, but apparently it isn't.

"As lovely as you look standing in my doorway, do you want to come in popstar?" Nick's voice breaks through Harry's haze, and he thinks he's probably said something else that Harry's missed since apparently he's been paralyzed in the entryway for longer than he's realized.

"Yeah, sorry - um...hi," Harry mutters, his cheeks tinting a faint shade of red as he almost stumbles over his own feet in the process of following Nick further into his house. "Where's Pig and Stinky?" Harry asks just to have something to say, his gaze darting around in search of them when the two dogs don't immediately attack him like they usually do when Nick has him over.

"Put them away for now, didn't want them bothering us," Nick replies with a shrug.

"Oh," Harry tries to grin although it probably falls a bit flat. "Smart thinking that."

**_We never learn, we've been here before_ **   
**_Why are we always stuck and running from_ **   
**_The bullets, the bullets?_ **

Harry takes his time making his way into Nick's living room, his eyes dancing over the neon sign which Nick never took down that he'd gotten him all those years ago. It's not like Harry needs this moment of extra observation, he was just in Nick's place the other evening, but he's dragging this out, and he lets himself, for now at least.

Nick seems to be doing the same thing since he disappears into the kitchen instead of sitting down on the sofa where he's got his laptop open, asking if Harry wants anything to drink on the way, to which Harry declines.

He lets his steps take him to the neon sign instead of trailing after Nick like he's tempted to, the faint blue glow coming from the word _'Enjoy'_ staining his skin as he touches it hesitantly.

Harry is still sort of shocked that Nick has kept it for so long, that he made sure to put it back up even when he moved houses, that after everything they've been through, the sign is still there, still glowing brightly, and the sight of it gives Harry hope that today might not go so badly after all.

Still, that doesn't mean he's ready to do this, but he might never be honestly. He has to put on his single soon - _today_ , but maybe not quite yet.

"Hey, you hungry? I didn't have any breakfast," Harry suggests when Nick walks back into the room with nothing in his hands, leaving Harry a bit confused regarding what he's been doing for the past few minutes, but he can't find the teasing words he needs to call Nick out.

"Starved actually," Nick responds, sounding so relieved that Harry is beginning to think that Nick might be as apprehensive about this whole thing as he is. "Was thinking of cooking something, but I forgot to pop by the shop yesterday, so ingredients are a bit slim."

"Nah, let's go out, get a proper fry up somewhere nice," Harry grins, trying to calculate how many hours they can waste if Nick agrees and if his distraction techniques will be noticed by him, although he seems to be aiding him in avoiding listening to the single so far.

"That sounds incredible, you want to drive or walk?" Nick answers instantly, his posture collapsing for a brief second in a visible show of relaxation that confirms Harry's earlier hypothesis.

"Drive," Harry decides, not wanting to run the risk of encountering any paparazzi if he can help it.

"Just let me grab my keys then and I'll be good to go."

Harry smiles gratefully at Nick's retreating figure, his heart rate slowing slightly as he shifts his mindset from petrified to looking forward to a meal with Nick since he obviously can't play the single in public, which means he's just bought himself some more time.

**_We never learn, we've been here before_ **   
**_Why are we always stuck and running from_ **   
**_Your bullets, the bullets?_ **

Harry unwinds even further on the ride to wherever Nick has decided to take him, he hadn't asked since he really isn't picky as long as he doesn't have to show Nick his song just yet.

Nick is telling Harry about how Pig got into his closet last night and chewed up his favorite trainers, and it's nice - it's _normal_ , it's him and Nick having a chat and giggling and being themselves, and it helps that Nick has his hand resting lightly on Harry's thigh, his thumb stroking absentmindedly over the seam of his jeans as he speaks.

And at that moment, Harry thinks if Nick suggests that he put on the single as they drove, he could do it without having a minor breakdown, because he feels comfortable with Nick, he always does, but right now especially he's reminded of how much he loves him.

Harry's not sure if he can sufficiently explain how much Nick means to him in words, although he's tried often enough with his lyrics, but it transcends anything he's ever felt before. Harry thinks he's loved other people, but nothing can compare to the emotions he feels for Nick.

Simply put - Nick is _everything_ to him. He's his best friend, probably the love of his life, his emotional support, the person he turns to when he's at both his best and his worst and all the times in between, and Harry wouldn't be who he is today without him.

Nick had started out as a crush, as someone Harry fancied but didn't think he had a chance with, _fuck_ \- he'd been shocked when Nick had continued to make time for him even when both their schedules became hectic and Harry wasn't around for months on end, but Nick was always there for Harry when he came back to London, he still is even now.

And when Harry's affections hadn't gone away, when he'd realized he was properly smitten and he'd finally let it all out one night before leaving on tour, which was a terrible idea in hindsight since he'd spent the entire three weeks counting down the days until he could return to London, Nick had said he was mad about him too, and Harry doesn't think he's ever been as happy as he was after hearing that.

It had been hard of course, hiding parts of himself isn't something Harry enjoys, but he had to with Nick since they already got enough negative attention from the media as it was. It was worth it though, even if Harry wished they could be more public, it never really mattered to him as long as he had Nick.

It still doesn't - _fuck_ , Harry would announce their relationship to the world if Nick asked him to, he'd willingly take on whatever storm followed, but neither of them were truly ready for that at the time, and they aren't now either.

And then, of course, they had fallen apart almost three years later. Harry should have expected it really, but it had still hurt. Harry doesn't want to remember that though, not now when they are together again - _sort of_ , not while Nick is giving him that soft smile that Harry likes to pretend is reserved only for him.

**_Just stop your crying_ **   
**_It's a sign of the times_ **

"So your single, it's called Sign of the Times yeah?" Nick questions, pulling Harry out of his reminiscing and back to the present with the reminder of what he had originally set out to do today.

"Yep," Harry nods, hoping that he doesn't appear too frantic. "We eating here?" he changes the subject when Nick pulls into an open spot in front of a cozy looking restaurant, lacing his hands together tightly as he speaks, his rings emitting a faint clicking noise when they collide.

"If that's alright with you, they've got that private room in the back so we won't be bothered, or we can just take the plunge and eat out front if you want."

"Private room might be better, I don't think I'm really up for talking to anyone besides you at the moment," Harry admits shakily, his breath expelling from his lungs when Nick leans over and brushes his lips against his forehead gently.

"Whatever you want popstar, as long as I get to eat," Nick jokes, his ribbing words contrasting with his comforting gesture in a manner that is so Nick, Harry can't contain the grin that is pulling at the corners of his mouth.

**_We gotta get away from here_ **   
**_We gotta get away from here_ **

"So you bored of London yet love?" Nick asks as Harry digs into his meal. "I think this is the longest you've stayed here in ages."

"Nah, actually I'm not," Harry replies honestly, although he does omit the fact that the main reason behind that is most likely Nick himself. "I mean, as lovely as Jamaica was, or even L.A., it's really nice to be home, and I don't think I want to go anywhere else until I have to."

Nick looks a bit disbelieving, which doesn't surprise Harry given his past proclivities to want to be where he isn't at the time. Harry loves London of course, and while he was touring, he'd always miss it, but after a month or two, he'd usually start feeling the itch to take a vacation somewhere else. That urge hasn't sprung up yet though, and Harry knows it's because he wants as much time with Nick as he can possibly get after being bereft of him for so long.

Harry still adores traveling and seeing new places, but he's also realized that those cities will still be there later on, and working things out with Nick has been his most important priority ever since he had returned home.

And _really_ \- Harry's done with running, because it hadn't helped ease his heartache. He never stopped loving Nick, even at his lowest when he'd fled from London because he couldn't stand the possibility that he might bump into him at any given moment, and now he's back, has been for quite a while, and they're together.

Harry wants more though, he has to fix what has been broken before he will feel comfortable leaving again, and hopefully today will start that process off, if they ever listen to his single that is.

**_Just stop your crying_ **   
**_It'll be alright_ **

Harry gets a bit choked up as his head fills with not so pleasant memories of nights spent in unfamiliar places with tears in his eyes and a constant longing for Nick following him wherever he went, so he quickly pushes them away again.

He takes a long sip of water so he can play off his watery eyes as a byproduct of dealing with too large a mouthful of food instead of actual emotions, but Nick's giving him that look he gets when he knows something is wrong and he's not sure how to approach the topic, so Harry mostly fails in that endeavor.

"You alright Haz?" Nick prods when Harry swallows, his fork paused halfway to his mouth as he watches Harry carefully.

"Yeah...just nervous honestly, 'bout the single."

"You're nervous?" Nick laughs throatily while dropping his utensil onto his plate so he can cross his arms over his chest. "What about me? I'm the one who has to give you an honest opinion of it, and what if it's terrible? What am I supposed to do then?" Nick chuckles again, his teasing making Harry feel a thousand times better just like it always does.

"Well that's your burden to bear knowing me and all," Harry jokes back, "get stuck taking me out to breakfast then being forced to listen to almost six minutes of what might be the worst thing you've ever heard and still having to be nice to me no matter what."

"Who says I have to be nice?" Nick smirks, "someone has to keep you grounded, tell you the honest truth."

"You're always nice to me," Harry points out, "but I really do hope you like it, and umm - _please_ , be truthful. I won't be upset or anything, I promise."

"I know popstar, I will, but I'm sure I'll love it." Nick actually doesn't sound completely sure of himself at all, but Harry can't blame him for that either.

Harry has kept him out of his writing process entirely - or, well Nick did that when he left him. Harry had imagined making his first solo album mostly from Nick's house when they'd started talking about taking a hiatus from One Direction, of sharing his ideas with Nick and having him be an integral part of the process, but things hadn't turned out that way of course, leaving Nick clueless as to what to expect.

It would have been easier if they had, then Harry wouldn't have written this song, he wouldn't have to bring up this topic with Nick at all, but they did break up, something didn't work, and Harry has to do everything in his power to make sure that it won't happen again.

**_They told me that the end is near_ **   
**_We gotta get away from here_ **

Harry tries to eat as slowly as possible, but they still finish their meal much quicker than he'd have liked. Nick is stalling as well though, savoring his last sausage for so long that it has to be cold by the time he finally begins cutting it up.

"So...umm," Harry forces himself to speak when he has nothing left on his plate and he's twisted his napkin into an unrecognizable mess, "is it back to your place now?"

"Probably for the best yeah, although if you want, we could go to Tesco or summat. You can help me restock my fridge since you've eaten half of its contents lately. I need some wine as well, and I think the pups are almost out of food too now that I think of it."

"How do you function when I'm not around?" Harry shakes his head fondly. "Thought you'd get more responsible in your thirties, but you still need someone to drag you to the shops to make sure you don't starve," Harry giggles cheekily.

"Well in my defense, when you aren't around, I don't have to deal with a hungry popstar raiding my wares and eating me out of house and home. Still haven't adjusted to feeding you constantly and all that."

"Well get used to it, I'm not going anywhere," Harry tries to tease, except he's not jesting at all, and his serious tone ruins his attempt at a lighthearted statement.

"I'm perfectly fine with that if you're willing to help with the shopping. I swear they do something to the air in that place. I walk in with a coherent idea of what I want, then instantly forget thirty seconds later and end up wandering around for ages."

"Don't remind me, what did you almost end up buying the last time...egg dye was it? In December."

"I wasn't going to buy it!" Nick protests hotly, "I just wasn't aware that it existed outside of Easter time. I mean honestly, who the hell dyes eggs as a day to day activity?"

"Maybe some people like to prepare months in advance?"

"Don't be ridiculous Harold, if you dyed eggs that early, they'd spoil ages before Easter," Nick scoffs, his tone so endearing and joyful that Harry feels as if he's won a prize by making him sound that way. "Now come on, let's go before it gets any later. I still need to get to the gym sometime today too, if I skip one weekend, god knows I'll end up stopping entirely."

"I can come with you," Harry offers without thinking about it, his brain latching onto any excuse he's given that will continue dragging this out, and Nick helps him along by agreeing instantly, because he's wonderful like that, and even though Harry really needs to just get this over with, he appreciates Nick so much for easing him into this.

**_Just stop your crying_ **   
**_Have the time of your life_ **

So after shopping, and then dropping the groceries off at Nick's place, and then the gym, and then lunch since it had gotten later than they'd realized and they'd both worked off their food from earlier, Harry finds himself in the car again with Nick.

Harry adores joining Nick on simple errands like this, because he somehow always makes them more entertaining than most parties Harry has been too. Harry's not sure how he does it, or maybe he's just so enamored with him that watching Nick pick out which pasta to buy is fascinating, but either way, Harry enjoys every second of it.

They used to do this all the time, back when they were just friends, and even after of course, but it's all new again to Harry now that he can do it as Nick's boyfriend, or whatever he is - _fuck_ , Harry really needs to play him the single so they can talk about it, but for now, he wants to bask in this moment without worrying about what's coming next.

And it's not like he and Nick can kiss or hold hands or do things most couples are able to partake in while in public, but it's still nice not having to dance around each other as much either. Nick always manages to be affectionate anyway, his hand rests on Harry's hip when no one is around while they'd shopped, and he'd even stolen a few kisses at the gym which Harry had eagerly reciprocated.

They're heading home now though - well, to Nick's house, which feels more welcoming than his own place ever has, today being the exception since he doesn't want to arrive and have to face the inevitable.

It needs to be done though, it'll be good for the both of them. Harry has to let Nick know how he's really feeling, because as lovely as the casual atmosphere of their relationship is, Harry needs to make sure the foundation is steady, that it isn't going to be torn out from under him when he least expects it.

**_Breaking through the atmosphere_ **   
**_And things look pretty good from here_ **

"Maybe we should just do it here - in the car," Harry blurts out during an uncharacteristic period of silence, his hand fumbling for the iPod that he is contractually obligated to keep on his person at all times if it is in his possession.

"Yeah, you want to?" Nick stops at a red light, turning his attention to Harry for a brief moment before he has to look forward again. "Might be easier that way, got other things to focus on and all, not to mention I can just stop, drop, and roll away if it's terrible instead of having to awkwardly vacate my own house."

"Yeah...let me just - umm..." Harry fumbles for the cable Nick has plugged into his radio, his hands trembling so badly he drops it numerous times before he finally gets a hold of it.

"Harry - _hey_ ," Nick murmurs. Nick so rarely calls him by his name that he looks up instantly, his panic fading away momentarily when Nick captures his chin with his long fingers. "If you aren't ready for me to hear this, that's fine. I'm excited for it though, I really am, and I won't be mean, you know that."

"I do...it's not that I'm afraid of," Harry whimpers quietly, his eyes welling up with tears when everything overwhelms him all at once, and it takes an extraordinary amount of mental strength not to break down then and there.

Harry shouldn't be acting this way, because it's just Nick, but that's the thing - it's _Nick_ , and Harry's not sure if he will understand what he wants to convey with this song, even though he thinks it's pretty obvious.

It may not be a classic love ballad, but it's their story, it's how Harry felt back then and what he hopes they can have now, and he isn't ready to face what comes next if Nick doesn't get that, or even worse, if he isn't willing for things to be serious between them again.

"Well then what's got you like this?" Nick queries, his thumb catching a tear that's escaped before it can drip down Harry's cheek.

"I - _fuck_ , just listen."

Harry plugs in the iPod when Nick has to resume driving, starting the track before he can change his mind, his entire body tensing as the soft sounds of the opening piano licks begin filling the car.

**_Remember everything will be alright_ **   
**_We can meet again somewhere_ **   
**_Somewhere far away from here_ **

Harry bites on his bottom lip to distract himself, the sharp pain grounding him a bit as the track carries on. He stops when he tastes blood in his mouth, the coppery tang surprising him since he hadn't been aware he'd pressed down so hard.

Harry tries not to look at Nick as the song continues to play, but he can't help but observe him out of his peripheral vision. Nick keeps a straight face at first, but he begins tapping his fingers against the steering wheel in time with the slow beat, and a smile spreads over his face when Harry's voice comes through the speakers.

Harry's still not entirely used to hearing only himself singing, it feels strange after so long spent blending in with the boys in One Direction, but it's a nice change. He hadn't been sure of where he wanted to go on his own, and he'd liked being in a band, of having others around him, but recording his album had been surprisingly liberating. Harry is truly proud of what he's created, and he hopes the world likes it even a fraction as much as they did his work with One Direction.

It gets a bit awkward when Nick is the one listening though since Nick is the inspiration for all of this, because they haven't talked about this subject, this time in their life.

In typical Nick fashion, he had glossed over Harry leaving, over breaking up with him in the first place and simply opened his door for him when he'd returned, which is _amazing_ , and Harry is so glad he did, but this isn't something they can keep ignoring, or at least Harry can't.

**_We never learn, we've been here before_ **   
**_Why are we always stuck and running from_ **   
**_The bullets, the bullets?_ **

If they don't have this discussion, Harry is always going to be afraid that Nick will leave him one day, it will eat away at the back of his mind until it drives him insane. He hadn't been plagued with these doubts before, he never truly believed that Nick would break up with him even when things got difficult, but then he _had_.

Harry lets himself remember how lost he had felt, how shocked and hurt and broken he'd been, although he doesn't want to relive that time, but he also wants to prevent it from occurring even more, and the muted pain reminds him of why he's so determined to be completely honest with Nick.

He hadn't known what to do with himself at first, he wasn't even sure who he was anymore when he had lost Nick, so he'd holed himself up in his house and written for almost three weeks straight, pouring his agony onto the page before he had to go film for Dunkirk, where he'd been successfully distracted for the most part.

Sign of the Times hadn't been conceived during that period of mourning though, it had come later on when Harry had begun to heal, and he'd realized how much he needed Nick back in his life in any form or fashion.

Harry had started reaching out then, he'd texted Nick for the first time since filming had started, just little things originally, but Nick had reciprocated until it almost felt normal when he returned to London and met up with Nick just like they used to, except it wasn't the same, because they weren't together anymore.

But they are now, they have been, and it's going well. They've been careful this time, more than they had in the past, and it's made things so much easier on the both of them without the negative media attention, but Harry needs to make sure that he's not reading into this too deeply.

Harry has to know that Nick missed him when he was gone, that he still loves him, that they are going to try harder this time, that Nick won't just leave when things get rough, and also, he wants to tell him that he'll fight with any weapon he can get his hands on to keep him if he does.

**_We never learn, we've been here before_ **   
**_Why are we always stuck and running from_ **   
**_The bullets, the bullets?_ **

Harry thinks this song does that for him, it explains what he needs to say in a condensed form, if Nick is able to read into it that is. He probably will, Nick is smart, and it's not like he isn't aware that Harry is probably carrying some wounds from what happened between them, he has simply chosen not to mention them.

Harry hasn't brought up their split either, it's not just Nick who has been doing that, so Harry's plan is that this will give him the opening he needs to express himself.

It had never seemed like the right time before, and isn't exactly a casual topic Harry can steer the conversation toward easily, which is why he's waited so long to do this.

Harry likes to think he can talk to Nick about anything, but this is a sensitive subject, one they've both been skirting around ever since Harry's return. Now it's looming before them, and Harry can't find an alternate route that leads around the minefield that is their past, so they'll have to bypass it together and hope that they both survive it.

Harry's probably put this off a bit too long honestly, but he hadn't had any desire to discuss it at first. He was too busy trying to meld himself back into Nick's life as a friend, and then he was distracted with the pleasant shock that came with the kiss he initiated and the tentative relationship that followed afterward.

It's taken a while to truly process everything that's occurred over the past few months, but now that the initial happiness has receded down to a manageable level, Harry knows he can't keep this bottled up for much longer.

**_Just stop your crying_ **   
**_It's a sign of the times_ **

Sometime during Harry's inner reflection, the song has ended, and Nick's beaming over at him, which Harry finally notices when he glances in his direction.

"Hazzah - _wow_ , that's actually really incredible. I don't even know if I can call you popstar now that you're making music like that, it was a proper rock ballad. I loved it."

"Thank you," Harry manages to croak out, his throat closing up as he basks in Nick's praise, which is lovely, _honestly_ , but Nick hasn't said anything else, and Harry was so hoping that he would, that he'd make this easier on Harry by starting things off for him so he wouldn't have to do it himself.

And then, before Harry can stop himself, a harsh sob bursts out of his mouth, not that he is upset - not _really_ , but this is so much, and Nick didn't understand. Harry put his heart and soul into that song, and he is terrified that he'll lose Nick if he pushes this all onto him since he hasn't appeared to have grasped it on his own.

Because Nick isn't good with heavy emotions, he never has been, and maybe he doesn't feel the same. He was the one who left Harry after all, and as much as Harry truly wants to believe he didn't do that to hurt him, it _had_.

Harry needs to be reassured that it won't happen again, he wants to believe that he and Nick can make it through anything together, but he's so afraid they'll fail, and the slim possibility that this might be the beginning of the end is too much for him to handle.

**_We gotta get away from here_ **   
**_We gotta get away from here_ **

"Harry - _oh god_ , come here."

Nick's voice breaks through the cloud of misery that has permeated Harry's mind, his arms stretching over the center console so he can wrap them around his shoulders tightly.

Harry barely has the presence of mind to look up to make sure Nick has stopped the car - which he has in an empty lot - before he practically climbs into Nick's lap, his body shaking with the force of his cries as he lets everything out in the form of tears.

It takes Harry an embarrassingly long time to calm down enough to allow speech, and when he finally pulls away from Nick, he sees that he's soaked his shirt where he was pressing his face against it, but Nick doesn't seem at all bothered.

"Sorry - I just...I'm sorry," Harry murmurs quietly, heat flooding his cheeks when it hits him how ridiculous he probably appears right now.

"Don't apologize love, you're fine," Nick soothes him, one of his hands petting through his hair in a comforting gesture that Harry finds solace in. "It was a very emotional song... _uh_ \- about us yeah? Or like me...leaving you."

Of course, that makes Harry start crying again, even though he had wanted Nick to read into the deeper meaning, but now that he has, Harry is even more emotional than he was before.

Harry shouldn't have doubted Nick, he's perceptive, and clever, and he was the catalyst of the piece after all, which he was sure to pick up on. Still - he hadn't been expecting to hear the ache in Nick's voice when he says it, and the painful nature of his tone makes Harry's heart clench and his eyes well up until he's dissolved into a mess again.

**_Just stop your crying_ **   
**_Baby, it will be alright_ **

Nick flinches at Harry's reaction, and Harry thinks the other man's eyes might even be a bit wet, but it's hard to tell since his view is so blurry.

Harry hates that he can't stop his tears, that he's making Nick uncomfortable, that he's causing a scene in general, but he can't seem to stop himself this time.

"Love, _shh_ \- it's alright, I promise," Nick whispers, his arm gripping securely around Harry's middle, keeping him close, and safe, and _fuck_ \- Harry never wants to lose this again.

"I'm so scared," Harry whimpers quietly, his nails digging into Nick's shoulders like he can physically keep him in his life if he holds on tight enough. "I don't want you to leave me again," Harry wails, his body curling in on itself when he feels Nick stiffen suddenly underneath him.

And that's what this all is really, what it boils down to in its simplest form. Harry is living with the constant fear that what they have is temporary, and of course, almost everything in this world is, but Nick had always been this unmovable force in Harry's life before their split.

Harry had placed so much faith in him, not once did he imagine that Nick wouldn't be there when he got home, but now with his album release on the horizon and a world of uncertainties looming before him, Harry can't bear the thought of coming back to find that Nick is gone and that he's alone again.

Nick's muscles stay clenched and tense as he slowly grasps Harry's hands in his, forcing Harry to relinquish his hold on him, but Nick simply twines their fingers together, his gaze pointed downward at their touching palms, and although Harry could be wrong, he thinks he feels Nick's breathing hitch like he's seconds away from crying himself.

**_They told me that the end is near_ **   
**_We gotta get away from here_ **

"I'm so sorry," Nick finally speaks, "I - I was an idiot, I know that, and I hurt you - _fuck_ , I can hear that in the song, and that was months later. Harry... _god_ , please stop crying?" Nick pleads shakily.

Harry makes a valiant effort to control his emotions, wiping angrily at his face with the back of his hand, although Nick still won't let go of it, so it makes the gesture clumsy and mostly useless.

"It's okay, I mean - we were having a rough time, and I get it. Dating me isn't easy, I just...I guess I didn't see it coming, and now I'm so afraid one day I'll wake up and you'll decide I'm not worth it again - _fuck_ , I don't even know if I can call you my boyfriend right now or not, and -"

"Harry - god no, that's not it at all. You're worth everything, _fucking hell_ ," Nick groans as he untangles one of his hands so he can drop his head into it.

"I know you can't promise me that we won't split up eventually, we don't know what's going to happen, but I just...I guess I need to talk about this - _us_ ," Harry finally manages to spit out when Nick stays quiet, "because we're together now...I think, and it feels like before mostly, but I don't know what I am to you, or if...Nick, I love you - still do. I never stopped I don't think, and I just want to know what this is and if you feel the same or not."

"God popstar - you pick the worst places to have these conversations," Nick jokes weakly, but he does look up at Harry, which Harry counts as a good sign.

"I do huh...didn't really think I'd actually cry though," Harry chuckles, "but _um_...we can go back to yours now yeah? We are almost there," he stalls one final time, sensing that they both need a few minutes to compose themselves and let everything sink in.

"Course, yeah," Nick nods, "you might have to get off my lap though, makes driving a bit easier when I don't have a person sitting on me."

Harry pretends to pout, but he does slip back into his own seat quickly. He stares out the window as Nick starts the engine again, silently thanking Nick for picking such a deserted parking spot since he's sure anyone would have a field day if they recognized him or Nick, and the windows are only tinted so much.

They've escaped detection though, they've been surprisingly lucky lately in general where the media is concerned, and maybe that's another sign that they can navigate their way through this world filled with hateful rumors, that they're receiving a break that they didn't get before, or it could just be a coincidence, but Harry wants to think positively right now.

**_We never learn, we've been here before_ **   
**_Why are we always stuck and running from_ **   
**_The bullets, the bullets?_ **

Nick opens Harry's door when they get back to his house since he seems to have forgotten how to move his limbs, which usually would be followed by laughter or teasing from one or the other of them, but now Harry just leans into Nick's touch when he helps him out, his body sagging slightly as they make their way inside.

Harry's exhausted honestly, he feels drained and empty, and they haven't even had most of the conversation they need to. Nick is still here though, he hasn't left, and that has to mean something.

And it's not as if Harry thought Nick would immediately drop him when he understood that he wants more, that's not like Nick. Harry knows that, but he's gotten himself so twisted up inside that he has no idea what to expect right now, even from the person he trusts the most.

"You alright love?" Nick asks when Harry stumbles over the air, but Nick's there to catch him just like he always is whenever Harry falls, whether it's literally or metaphorically, his strong hands leading him to the sofa which Harry collapses onto gratefully.

"Yeah, sorry...'s just a lot," Harry mumbles tiredly. "I shouldn't have sprung it on you like that though, but I wasn't really sure how else to bring it up."

"It's fine, I think I needed you to do that honestly, and I know I'm shit at talking about things like this, but love - if it was bothering you so much, you should have told me. I mean - _god_ , did you know how shocked I was when you kissed me that night? I didn't even think you'd want to see me again at first, and then I didn't dare to question it you know? We do need to have a proper chat though, because I was an arse back then, but I did have a reason behind it, and it wasn't that I got tired of you, or that you were too much."

"Then why?" Harry asks timidly, even if he's not entirely sure if he's ready to hear the answer, but he needs to if he ever wants to heal entirely.

"Because I was an idiot, and I was scared, so I ended things before you could do it to me."

**_We never learn, we've been here before_ **   
**_Why are we always stuck and running from_ **   
**_Your bullets, the bullets?_ **

"You thought I was going to leave you?" Harry gasps, his eyes going wide at just the thought, because it had never even crossed his mind.

"Not exactly, I mean - _fuck_ , I'm so bad at this," Nick groans, but he does sit next to Harry, and when Harry touches his knee gently, he graces him with a small smile. "It was a lot of things really, but mostly, I didn't think I was good enough for you. I would see those articles about you and I, and they didn't even truly know we were dating, but they were so hateful to you, and I was bringing that down on your head. I just thought you'd be happier without me, and I assumed you'd realize that eventually as well, so when you got that movie part, and you were going to be leaving soon, I guess I thought it would be best if you didn't have to deal with me as well."

"But I was always gone anyway with One Direction..." Harry points out hesitantly, although he is beginning to see Nick's side of things.

Nick always did cast himself in shoddy lightning, _god_ \- in the beginning, it had taken Harry ages to convince him that he was in love with him and that he wasn't just saying it, so he shouldn't be so surprised, but he hadn't been aware that Nick had been harboring those same insecurities so long after they'd properly gotten together.

"I know, it wasn't really the distance, that was another excuse mostly," Nick admits. "I told myself so many things, and really, I did do it with the intentions of protecting you. You will always get hate for being seen with me, and I was worried you were starting to feel sort of obligated to stick around - _fuck_ , I don't even know," Nick whispers, his knuckles tensing as he clenches his hands in front of him, the amount of effort it's taking him to speak about this showing in the white cast to his skin. "Honestly though, I thought you were falling out of love with me. It felt like we were growing apart, we were fighting more often, and when my relationships reach that point, my first instinct is to run."

**_We don't talk enough_ **   
**_We should open up_ **   
**_Before it's all too much_ **

Harry takes a moment to breathe deeply, to put himself in Nick's place and to let go of his hurt and misconceptions for a moment. It makes so much sense that Harry feels a bit stupid for not picking up on what Nick was doing earlier, but at least now he knows.

And really, Harry almost feels a bit selfish in hindsight. He'd been so wounded when Nick had suggested they split that he'd immediately assumed Nick didn't care for him anymore, and he'd taken off without bothering to discover what Nick's true motives were.

Even before their breakup, Harry had thought he'd been the only one suffering when Nick began pulling away from him, but Nick had too - he hadn't thought he was enough for Harry, when in fact, he's the complete opposite of that. He's so much more than Harry could ever dream to have, and the fact that Nick doesn't see that hits Harry like a physical blow.

He should have reassured Nick more often, or made extra time for him, or _something_ , but it's too late to fix his past mistakes. All he can do now is move forward and pray that he doesn't repeat them.

"I wish you had told me," Harry exhales heavily, "I would have stayed, I would have tried to change your mind - _god_ Nick, I really thought you didn't love me anymore."

"Then you're also an idiot," Nick scoffs softly, "because I think I've been in love with you since you came over to my parents for Christmas dinner all those years ago, and that's one thing that hasn't changed."

"Yeah?" Harry asks hopefully, his eyes welling up again as he peers at Nick through his damp lashes although his body has to have run out of tears to shed by now.

"I'm in love with you Harry Styles, always have been, and I went about this in a shit way. I fucked up everything apparently, but you came back, and I don't think you understand how much that means to me. I'm not letting you go so easily this time, I can promise you that," Nick states firmly, his hand covering Harry's where it still rests on his knee, the weight reassuring Harry maybe even more than Nick's words had done.

**_Will we ever learn?_ **   
**_We've been here before_ **   
**_It's just what we know_ **

"And you won't - I mean...we're okay, like before? This isn't just a convenience thing for you?" Harry forces himself to spit out, needing to tie up all of the loose ends that have been threatening to choke him before he runs out of courage, even if it's very apparent that Nick cares for him by this point, his body locking up as he does so in one last resurgence of fear.

Harry doesn't think he's worded his question properly, but Nick seems to understand him if the way he pulls Harry close and brushes his lips against his ear means anything that is, his familiar touch and smell automatically causing Harry's muscles to relax completely.

"I love you, and I want to be able to call you my boyfriend, or whatever you're comfortable with, at least here in private, or even in public eventually. This isn't just fun for me, or a friends with benefits thing."

"I'd like you to be my boyfriend," Harry grins, "if that's what you want that is."

"I do, because I am properly mad for you, and if things ever get bad like they did in the past, I'll let you know before I jump to conclusions, because I don't think I will ever be over you. I learned that while you were gone, still went a bit mental every time I heard your name somewhere, felt like a proper fan there for a bit actually," Nick chuckles hoarsely.

"I still listened to your show a lot," Harry admits, "not at first, too painful, but... _yeah_ \- had it on loads after a bit. Sort of fucked up my sleep schedule when I was in L.A. because it came on so late, but it was nice hearing your voice."

"You're such a sap popstar," Nick huffs, but the almost unbearably fond look he's giving Harry isn't unnoticed by either of them, and it has Harry leaning into his side before he's even aware that his body has made the decision to shift positions.

"You're fault, you make me like this," Harry whines, but the effect is ruined when a sudden fit of laughter bubbles out of his chest, the sound shaking their bodies when Nick envelopes Harry in his arms, trapping him in place with his hold, not that Harry plans on moving anytime soon.

"Because you love me?" Nick teases, and Harry can hear the poorly disguised need in his question, letting him know that Nick needs to hear it again.

"I love you," Harry repeats, his betraying eyes somehow finding more tears from some unused duct, but he blinks them away stubbornly.

**_Stop your crying, baby_ **   
**_It's a sign of the times_ **

"Don't you dare start crying again or I am going to bawl like a baby," Nick warns when Harry wipes at his lashes to remove the wetness. "I'm very proud of myself for keeping it together this long, and I can't have you ruining that."

"Can I tell everyone you almost cried after hearing my single during our interview together?" Harry jests, nudging Nick lightly which earns him a soft shove from the other man in return, his attempt at lightening the atmosphere in the room going over well if Nick's grin is any indicator.

" _God no_ , then I'll tell them you were sobbing so hard I thought you were going to give yourself an asthma attack, and I really don't think the first impression your listeners want of your new music is that it makes everyone burst into tears."

"I don't know if that would be such a bad thing, everyone loves a good emotional song yeah?" Harry counters, his smile stretching so wide it almost hurts a bit.

"I hate crying, miserable business that," Nick disagrees, "but your song was incredible honestly, quite a slap in the face for me, but I think I needed that."

"Yeah - you really liked it?" Harry beams now that he can focus on the compliment and not his tumultuous emotions, because Nick's opinion has always meant the world to him, and he really did want him to enjoy the song, all deeper meanings aside.

"Loved it popstar," Nick grins, "and uh...with the whole being more honest with each other thing - you'll tell me too if you get tired of me, or if it's not enough for you anymore yeah? I just don't want to hold you back, and I get worried that I am, but I mean - you're still here, so you're proving me wrong, but _just_ \- if it ever happens, I want you to tell me."

"I will, but honestly, if I haven't gotten bored of you in the past six years, I doubt I suddenly will sometime in the future."

"Good, try to keep it that way yeah, I've already gotten used to having you around again," Nick chuckles lightly, the sound replaying in Harry's ears as he snuggles closer to Nick happily.

"I thought you said you didn't like it because I ate all of your food," Harry points out, his anxiousness from earlier dissipating entirely now that he's righted things with Nick, not that they were ever wrong per say, but they had been skewed, not anymore though.

"I never said I didn't _like_ it, just that you did. Maybe I enjoy having my fridge raided by hungry popstars, could be a kink of mine you haven't discovered yet."

"Oh god Nick - you're awful," Harry giggles hysterically, the previously empty places inside of him filling up with something warm and potent that can only be his love for Nick, the sensation increasing as Nick joins him in his laughter.

And Harry doesn't have to attempt to hold his feelings back anymore, there is no fear paralyzing him, because he trusts Nick so much, and he believes every word he's said this afternoon.

Nick never meant to hurt him, _in fact_ , he was looking out for him in a way, but now that Harry has his reassurance that they won't do that to each other again, that they won't give up when things get difficult, Harry feels free to love Nick with every fiber of his being.

**_We gotta get away_ **   
**_We got to—we got to—away_ **

"This is who you have chosen as your boyfriend love, get used to it." Nick sticks his tongue out when Harry continues to shake his head at him, and _really_ , he should have known that Harry would take that as an invitation to kiss the smug look off of his face, which is exactly what he does.

Nick kisses him back instantly, his body surging upward as he does, pressing Harry back against the sofa without breaking the seal of their lips, his fingers tangling in Harry's locks, his grip angling his head in a position that will probably get uncomfortable soon, but Harry really doesn't care right now.

Harry had only meant to tease, but Nick is licking into his mouth with an intensity that is making Harry slightly dizzy, and he can sense that it's Nick way of letting go as well. He'd been just as scared as Harry, they had both been impulsive and silly and had almost lost something that Harry doesn't think he can live without, but they're okay now.

Nick is Harry's again, and Harry is Nick's for as long as he wants him to be, and out of all the things he's done and has yet to accomplish in his life, Harry thinks that being with Nick is the one that means the most to him.


End file.
